I hope that everyone has a safe and happy Holiday.

I am going to my grandmas house for the long weekend who surprisingly has no internet and I only have minimal data. So, I will be back Tuesday.

4 months in review

So the last 4 months in general have gone well for me mentally. Yes, some days the depression was horrid and my anxiety has definitely got worse but eating was better and I seem to be able to do things to help me.

For example, I know I need to keep busy but have time to relax. If I am having a bad day and feel like doing nothing I need to get out of the house. Also I have been getting better at identifying the emotion and not letting it define me.

Lets hope this progress continues. I will be moving across the country come September and want to be happy.

Anonymous asked:

Reasons to recover?








To have a healthy body, and a healthy mind.

***comment other reasons to recover—or Reblog and add***
(this will be fun lets see how many reasons we can get)

  • to live rather than just exist
  • to not have to care about food anymore
  • to follow your dream job/career
  • to have a family in the future
  • to be able to dance on the bodies of your enemies

to not have anxiety over making food-related decisions (which is all the time)

to get seconds of a meal instead of sitting and thinking about food and feeling greedy for always thinking about food

to feel relaxed and not give a shit when your skirt makes your tummy look slightly bigger

to not base your worth on what you see in the mirror and what other people see (because no one actually gives a shit how thin you are)

to live life and breathe life and feel beauty instead of living in a cardboard box with pictures of food drawn all over the sides

- to enjoy food
- to enjoy going out and socialising
- to be able to exercise or not exercise based on what YOU want, not your eating disorder
- to LIVE!!
(-and to eat lots of cake, of course ;)


To be able to go on vacation with your family and be able to eat and enjoy mealtimes.

To no longer have anxiety over mealtimes and waste a half hour deciding which safe food item to get only to end up feeling guilty anyway.

To have energy to run, swim, live, breathe, be!

To watch movies with your family and enjoy treats!

To not fall asleep hungry every night.

To not caring about the scale and not panicking when you do gain a half pound instead of anxiously and tearfully trying to compensate by running up and down your basement stairs for hours while your parents are out.

To being okay with people seeing you eat in public.

To not feeling like a failure all the time.

To finally feeling beautiful.

To have more time. I wasted so much time on my ed, it consumed my entire day. Now I’ve got way more time on my hands and the days don’t drag on

To be able to go to social situations that include food.

So that I can stand up quickly and do physical activity without blood pressure issues/ not get a head rush.

So that my blood sugar is in normal range and doesn’t drop.

To be able to have energy to go on long hikes with friends.

To be able to have clear skin and strong hair and nails.

To be able to think clearly and not plan when I’m going to do school work around when/ what i eat.

To be able to focus.

So that I can work on my anxiety, irritability and mood.

To be satisfied with what I eat.


1) Turn off all the heat in your house and open the windows wide. Walk around in short sleeves and dip your fingers and toes in bowls of ice water every 10-15 minutes. This will do nothing to help you lose weight but it will help train you for the misery that anorexia brings in the form of being constantly cold. You are not allowed reprieve from this “feel the cold” stage as you will never be warm again until you recover.

2) Visit your hairdresser and ask her to pluck 25-50% of the hair from your head. While you’re at it ask her to over-process your hair with whatever chemicals she had on hand. If the over-processing makes you lose even more hair that’s even better. This step will get you used to the dry, brittle, falling out hair you’ll have once you’re nutrient deprived.

3) If you plan on purging you should visit your dentist and ask them to grind all the enamel off your teeth. While there also ask if they can pull out a couple of existing fillings. Your teeth will be wrecked soon anyway so you may as well get a head start and learn what it feels like to have super sensitive teeth once your enamel is gone.

4) Ignore all your friends. Don’t tell them why. Don’t do anything that would give them a chance to try and stop you from cutting them out. You will likely feel utterly miserable. Learn to expect that. You will feel miserable during every day of your eating disorder anyway. The loneliness is a key part of this misery.

5) If you’re in school you should throw away all your textbooks and order their equivalents in a foreign language. This stage will get you started on the cognitive difficulties you will suffer once malnutrition sets in. In a few months of anorexia you will feel like everything is in a foreign language anyway since you can’t read it because your malnourished brain has made you stupid.

6) If you have a job ask your boss to start withholding half your pay. With the amount of sick days you have once your e.d. is bad, you’re going to lose half of your pay anyway. This will help you get used to that. In 3 months you should quit your job with no backup plan. This will let you know what it feels like to be fired because your e.d. made you a lousy employee.

7) Throw away your calendar. Stop asking people their name. Leave your backpack and purse at home every time you go out. You need to learn what it’s like to live without a memory. As well as making you stupid malnutrition will rob you of your memory. Stand up every ten minutes to make sure you turned off the kettle/iron/tap. You know you are forgetful and you are anxious about that. Do this all day every day. You will soon forget why anyway as your memory becomes utterly useless.

8) Throw away all your moisturizer, body wash, anything that makes your skin soft and lovely. Like your hair you need to feel what it’s like for that to be dry and fragile. Think back to the last time you fell down a flight of stairs. With your malnourished body and skin you will feel like that every single day. You will wake up bruised and aching and scraped and you won’t know why. The answer is your e.d. The answer to all misery is your e.d.

9) Lock yourself in a dark room. Put up spotlights everywhere else in the house. Do not shower. Do not even wash your face. Play music that makes you sad. When it’s time for bed play a CD of a jackhammer. The ED will rob your ability to sleep well and you need to experience that. If all of this sounds like torture…it is. With this ED you will be sad, and scared, and panicked all the time. This emotional hell will rob you of the ability to do tasks as simple as brushing your teeth.

10) Write a list of every good thing you want out of life. Burn it. As long as you have an eating disorder that is all you will have. You will watch every good thing go up in smoke.

http://tinyurl.com/m2kbfnn (via suckitproana)

(via dreamsofafreebird)

so many of these I thought only happened to me during my eating disorder; I had no idea how widespread my symptoms were. 

(via bravegirl-living)

I try and remind myself that food and using ED behaviours does not solve my problems or make me feel better.

Some days that message is easier to follow then others.